Are you a Krakhead? A Kraken manifesto parody

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CoinGeek has obtained a document that purports to be an early draft of the ‘Kraken Culture Explained’ manifesto that the U.S.-based cryptocurrency exchange Kraken released last week. CoinGeek makes no claims regarding the veracity of the following text.

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Do you have what it takes to become a Krakhead? Or are you a pathetic snowflake soyboy low-T libtard non-playable-character cuck who’d bother thinking of anyone other than themselves for one fraction of one second of their miserable fucking lives? These are important questions, because just as two individuals may or may not be compatible with one another, an individual and a company may or may not be compatible. So this is our way of helpfully detailing which of you need to fuck off right now and never come back.

Our Founders

Jesse Powell grew up playing Magic: The Gathering, which may go a long way toward explaining why he resembles a cross between a cosplay Gandalf and what you might find if you did a Google Image search for ‘incel.’

Jesse and our other founders’ shared values—crypto, cypherpunk, libertarian, chauvinism, martyrdom, paranoia, delusions of grandeur—are firmly entwined with our company’s values. Starting Kraken was chock-full of danger, forcing our founders to visit various government offices to file routine paperwork using filthy fiat money, in the process risking everything from papercuts to contracting virulent socialism. Lesser men might have been deterred, but Jesse and his league of profoundly average gentlemen vowed to press on.

Our Mission

Kraken’s Mission isn’t just about our founders getting rich—it’s also about our early investors getting rich. For public purposes, The Mission is to accelerate the worldwide adoption of cryptocurrency to usher in a new era of human flourishing. But since we earn commissions on crypto trades, as these humans flourish, so do Kraken’s bank statements.

Does every Krakhead need to believe in The Mission? We believe so. Why? We are fighting an extremely difficult, protracted battle, facing tremendous uncertainty and peril. Perilous peril. Like, carpal tunnel syndrome peril. Like, eyestrain from staring at computer monitors all day. Constipation from eating too many double-cheese Bitcoin pizzas. High blood pressure from arguing with ungrateful local Luddite merchants who won’t allow us to pay for shit with these fucking useless BTC tokens.

For the true believers, the prize makes the pain worthwhile (similar to what Jesse keeps telling his Tinder dates, but their underdeveloped female brains prevent them from comprehending that). For those with less conviction, the journey might be too much.

We’re in a war for The People’s Money. As in, we need to figure out ways of forcibly depriving people of their money. Our enemy is the incumbent system, those fighting to maintain power in the status quo, and the attachment people have to its familiarity. Basically, we need to convince people that we’re right and that they’re too stupid to recognize that we’re right.

Kraken is on a holy crusade to democratize finance. In order to achieve this, Kraken must be run like a fascist dictatorship and Jesse is our Il Douché. We’re on a Mission to improve the lives of billions of people, which evidently requires treating several thousand people like utter crap.

Someone must be offended, some of the time

When it comes to our internal policies, if nobody is ever offended, we either don’t have enough diversity of thought or we don’t have enough transparency in communication. We are pushing the envelope, treading in uncharted territory, and doing what has never been done before.

Well, technically speaking, it has been done before, pretty much all throughout history, really, but that was White Male Privilege 1.0, whereas Kraken is all the way up to version 3.7 or something. Kraken tolerates diversity of opinion, regardless of whether that opinion is something Jesse believes today or something he said a week ago. So basically, the whole gamut.

Krakheads must be kind-hearted while also being extremely candid (i.e., you may not always like everything that’s said, but it’s coming from a good place). So you might be offended when we repeatedly tell you that you’re a moron. But now that you know, you are motivated to get smarter so we won’t need to insult you as often.

Like we said, someone has to be offended. So let’s just toss this out right now – ‘retard’ isn’t an offensive term, because retards are retarded, it’s right there in the name. That’s just science.

Similarly, it’s in no way misogynistic to point out that women aren’t as smart as men. For instance, Marie Curie discovered polonium, and a century later polonium was used to murder Alexander Litvinenko. A man would have seen that coming and taken steps to prevent it.

Regarding Jesse’s comments about who gets to use the ‘N-word’—we’ve decided to address this head-on by establishing ‘N-word Fridays,’ in which staff are encouraged to utilize the N-word as often as possible. Why Fridays? Because Robinson Crusoe had a black friend he named Friday and they got along swell, you know, based on each party’s rigid acceptance of an established hierarchical order.

Categorically, Kraken rejects all personal pronouns. That said, Jesse must always be referred to as ‘His Omnipotence.’ Note the spelling on that last word, as it differs subtly from the graffiti that regularly appears on the walls of the women’s washroom. (Related: all female staff must submit samples of their handwriting for analysis, assuming they know how to read/write.)

So, to sum up, diversity is prized by all of us who cling to a narrow set of iron-clad rules that we impose and others obey. Basically, you’ll figure it out as you go along and your lamentable shortcomings are brutally mocked and slowly beaten out of you by us, the paddle-wielding senior classmen of Alpha Alpha Kraken.

Guns & ammo

We will allow discussion and photographs of firearms in public chat rooms. However, photos and/or videos of Krakheads masturbating with their firearms isn’t permitted. You are also actively discouraged from masturbating to photos/videos of firearms, no matter how alluring these images may be. We must not sap or impurify all of our precious bodily fluids through loss of essence.

We may incorporate firearm and self-defence training into our corporate retreats, in part because we know the best ideas are only achievable through the implied threat of violence. Also, we made a lot of enemies by delisting Bitcoin SV and that Kurt Wuckert Jr. guy looks like he could snap most of us in two with one hand while using the other to explain Simplified Payment Verification on a whiteboard.

But just because we’re stockpiling weapons, warning people of a looming apocalypse, positioning ourselves as the only ones who can help you avoid destruction and demanding unswerving loyalty to our visionary leader… that doesn’t make us a cult, okay? For instance, cults usually insist on their acolytes supplying young girls for their leaders to wed and to date there’s been absolutely no concrete evidence that this is happening at Kraken. None whatsoever. We’re sure of that. 100% sure. Totally sure. Totally.

BIG TENT(ACLE) POLITICS

Crypto removes politics from money, so we need to plow money into politics in the most narrowly self-interested manner possible. We will engage in lobbying, as a single-issue donor, supporting controversial politicians and legislation that furthers The Mission, possibly – hopefully! – to the detriment of other civil rights causes.

Last year, Jesse donated the maximum to multiple political candidates who supported Donald Trump’s evidence-free claims that the 2020 presidential election was stolen. Because while Kraken’s Mission is democratizing finance, actual democracy can get stuffed. (When people talk about the peaceful transfer of power, we take that as meaning Kraken customers willingly sending us their cash.)

The fact that some of Jesse’s preferred candidates espouse views that some no-coiners would call ‘racist’ just proves how badly this country needs change. Really, who among us hasn’t tweeted out neo-Nazi memes or cast the lone vote against measures condemning antisemitism? This should stand as vivid confirmation that when we say other civil rights mean squat when compared with expanding the ranks of commission-paying crypto traders, we mean it.

Conclusion

To sum up, the reality is that Kraken needs to do massive layoffs just like all the other U.S. exchanges. But our self-identified Randian/Nietzschean superman mythos won’t allow us to admit setbacks, so we’re just publicly confirming our super toxic work environment in the hope that it will (a) convince many current employees to quit of their own accord, and (b) deter new applicants (with a possible carveout for those with ‘Great Replacement’ Twitter bios).

If, after all their pathetic soul-searching, some staff wish to leave, we have decided to update our ‘Jet Ski Program’ with our new ‘Saturn V Program.’ Instead of making it feel like you hopped on a jet ski and rode off into the sunset, the new program makes you feel like you’ve been strapped to a powerful rocket and blasted the fuck out of our sight. It’s the least we can do for our least intelligent team members.

Originally, this was to be called the ‘SpaceX Program,’ given that Elon shares Kraken’s penchant for firing people who criticize management. Just a reminder, Krakheads must not publicly refer to Kraken C-levels as “arrogant and egotistical” types who subject staff to “diatribes espousing how the culture must be protected at all costs.” You must also not describe our Libertarian beliefs as “snarky and high-schoolery,” call our offices a place where “arrogance, authoritarianism and blind ego rules” or suggest that “Netflix’s Fyre Festival comes to mind when thinking about this company and its disastrous leadership.”

Finally, we are proud to announce that, after fleeing the socialistic hellscape that is San Francisco, Kraken has established a new head office in Mogadishu. We encourage all Krakheads to watch the informative video below. (Anyone who gets a cholera vaccine before making the move will be summarily dismissed.)

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